confession

I have no idea what I want to do with my life

the mystery of life

Why is the unknown so intimidating? Making a decision can be crippling when you take a split second to think of the consequences. The idea of settling and not taking a step out into the chaos of life seems so appealing at the moment. Not worrying about failure or pain just mundane contentment.

I see people out the living their dreams, having at least a brief idea of what direction they are heading. Every journey is different because every person is different but we all have many common threads. We all want to be loved, we want to be happy, we want to be significant and life a life that means something. The hard part is figuring out what will bring that fulfillment.

I have figured out the main component of life, following and trusting God...no matter what. At the moment no matter what seems to be a lot tougher than other times. I have absolutely no direction or motivation at the moment, I have not yet hit apathetic but that is close around the corner. The fear of reaching the point of apathy is the only small force pushing me forward. With apathy becomes self loathing, depression, and narcissism.

Being full of life and joy is a feeling I miss, glimpses of happiness come and go but once you have experienced the high of life nothing else cuts it except the full experience. My comrades in life have asked me what do you want? what will make you happy? it crushed me to think I don't even know what that is. Life has been broken down into a uneventful routine. Sunday Church - Monday Work and Gym - Tuesday Work - Wednesday Work and Church - Thursday Work and Gym - Friday Work - Saturday Gym and Cleaning day. Every week for the past six months that has been my entire life.

While I may seem like I am just complaining, that is only the majority of this rant the other part is a question to myself. What the heck are you doing with your life chick?! I know that no one can change me but me, that is obvious. My question is what do I want to change it to, what do I want? What is going to get me out of this numb haze. I need to get out of this ugly space, I just don't know how. 

count your blessings

When I sit in bed late at night and have time to be alone with my thoughts it is amazing where I travel.

I ponder my day and how things turned out, the way they could have went differently, or how perfectly things fell into place.

Today I sat reminiscing the past few months, the change and chaos of my life has been utterly immense. So much has happened yet I still fill my time anticipating the next moment that will soon become another memory. Rushing forward forgetting to acknowledge the past and present. All three equally important to the masterpiece that is life.

Count your blessings

Have you heard that on before? I have heard it all my life, its meaning has not been one that has had much weight until more recently. It is not about taking a moment to sit and compare my life to others but reflect on the goodness that is in life itself. The goodness that God has showered me with, the unending love he has freely given.

While 2012 has been a challenging year, pushing me and testing me on a diverse spectrum of areas I am more than grateful. This year has been absolutely wonderful, overflowing with moments of pure joy and absolute bliss! The blessings I have been given are unfathomable, if I tried to count it would be impossible to do. Even right now as I sit all alone I know I have a roof over my head, people that love me and a God who is the biggest gentle giant in the universe and cares for me. That alone is worth living for and surely more than enough to put a smile on my face.

REST

absolute luxury

Sometimes it is so hard to just relax, people suggest clearing your mind. The problem is I don't even know how to get there. Sitting down ad trying to think or process usually consists of me trying to quiet the screaming thoughts in my head, going off on rabbit trails in the thought world and adding more noise to the chaos. It can be anything from what to make for dinner to what am I doing with my life. The noise just never stops.

Being able to sit and have nothing go through my head sounds like absolute luxury.

P31

here's to the future

I met with an old friend today, a friend who has seen me in some of my worst moments and has seen be thrive at my very best. It was so good to reminisce about the memories we have together and talk about the adventures we have journeyed in life over the past few years.

Talking about our lives now and the dreams in our hearts was amazing. Even though it has been so long since we have seen each other we could still encourage each other and get excited for what is to come.

We met years ago as crazy teenage girls emotions and all not knowing what the future held and now we are living it out. Our futures are so different then we ever imagined they would be because they are so much better than we thought! Our past may have had messy parts but our futures look bright because we learned from life's curve balls.

The next chapters will have dreams coming true and new adventures full of life! I am so excited for whats next, I just want it to begin. 

Ghosts That We Knew

The new Mumford album is MINT!

flippin love it already...at the moment this is my favorite I am even enjoying this heavenly melody on repeat as I write this now

next

Waiting for the next thing can be the hardest part. 

Life is running smoothly, no major complaints but there is the one little thing that keeps coming back to test you. It comes back to make sure you don't ever forget where you came from. The good, the bad and the ugly are accompanied by their friend life. Life likes to make sure things stay messy, no routine or becoming comfortable. Keeping you on your toes so you enjoy every little moment of joy and sadness. 

With a returning pattern of change, waiting for what's next is exhilarating. It could be a challenge you need to face or a battle that requires everything in you. Other times it is a kiss of heaven, bringing someone special into your arms or that dream in your heart finally comes true. 

The idea of 'next' leaves us in constant state of questioning. Could something better be around the corner or could it finally be my turn to be happy. No matter how good we have it we want more. 

I want my next to be a fantastically mind-blowing spectacular display of awesome. I want every particle in my body to tingle with joy. I want to feel the happiness from the inside out causing a chain reaction, I want my smile to be so contagious cranky old grannies smile. Most of all I want my heart to be fill to the tippy top with love. 

I want it to be time for my next. 

so freaking excited

IT'S FRIDAY!

to quote the brilliant Kristin Wiig

"I am so freaking excited!"

life lesson

Life lesson of today:

People teach you two things,

 how you want to be & how you don't want to be

today I learned the second one

what I [wish I would have] said

Why is it so hard to be 100% honest? 

even with strangers, they are never going to see me again and people that I love are going to love me anyway. 

I can't count how many times I have laid in bed at night replaying scenarios in my head wishing it would have played out different. Wish I would have said something different or made a different decision. 

The fear of honestly has driven me mad! I can be so wound up in the moment that I let the fear of the truth paralyze my thoughts and mediocrity comes out on top. 

Most times when a person struggling with truth it is more often than not related to matters of the heart. He loves her but she doesn't love him or she loves him but he is in love with someone else. I get that, I have lived that, but honesty and the human expression of words is so much more than romantic confusion. 

How many times have you had a dream or utterly insane idea but you are too scared to tell anyone so you suppress the passion and settle for a more 'realistic' plan. 

I wish I would have taken time to listen to the whisper in my heart and the invaluable wisdom of God in times of confusion, rather than follow impulse out of impatience and anxiety.

I do not regret decisions in my life because my life kicks ass! The path I have taken has has twists and turns, bumps and bruises. I have traveled through the valleys and rested on the mountain top to take in the view and appreciate the beauty in life. 

The memories I have are magnificently invaluable, all coming together to paint a masterpiece that is still to be completed. 

I want to continue on this course with words of truth on my lips and a heart full to the brim with a burning love for people.  

a new way of seeing things

just a thought

With the world so focused on the right now speedy fast, how many times have we worried about getting to the next place that we've missed our turn off that could have been a short cut to our destination?

I am not talking about the stereotypical don't be so focused on the future that you miss whats right in front of you

I am talking about the fact that we are moving so fast trying to make things happen on our own that we complicate situations. The feeling of being overwhelmed is all to familiar consuming your thoughts on a regular basis. You struggle to get a good nights sleep because you can't get your brain to stop. I have been there, nights where my thoughts are at warp speed the harder I try to chill the worse it gets.

Planning is something I have always done, making sure every single detail is planned to a T.

Having crazy pursuits and far off aspirations are by no means foreign to my life. The past few weeks I have had a life changing epiphany! I can start planning or start living. I could try and live out a plan but I have tried that. It is great for a while but when  spontaneity comes into the picture I self impload.

In 1 Samuel there is a story where Samuel is sleeping and he hears someone call his name. He is so used to routine as soon as he hears his name he thinks it the priest Eli. Three times he runs over asking Eli what he should do. Eli brings light to the situation and he says it is God speaking to Samuel. 

God speaks to everyone whether they are listening or not. How many times has God said to you chill take a sec to relax and then lets take a step forward together. The problem is you were so busy making your next five steps that you missed his direction and end up going on a massive trek to get to where you could have been in one motion if you would have slowed down and listened.

Just live your life and enjoy it! let God direct you and listen to his voice. When He is silent it doesn't mean he left it means he is quiet. 

run away

I want to run away.

start all over.

forget the past. 

nothing holding me back.

everything new.

just run away.

listen to the rain

When things seem like they are too much listen to the rain.

Every single drop has perfect place to land,

but it still has to fall before it achieves perfection. 

awakened by love

The beauty of a woman is unfathomable. 

The world has limited beauty to her physical appearance when beauty is defined as the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind. 

It doesn't say the chick with the nicest rear end or the guy with the six-pack because beauty is so much more than that. 

This is why when a woman is told she is beautiful, even if subconsciously, she feels accepted and feels a connection because 

her inner being is being awakened by love. 

the truth hurts...or does it

sometimes we don't ask the questions we know we should 

because we are too scared of the answer. 

...

if we were really honest would life still look the same?

there are so many lies out there stopping us from reaching the highest points in life where we can jump off the edge completely fearless and soar above the sadness and rest in the fact that there is hope. 

The truth has so much power and freedom all we need to do is let go.

Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth & the Life"

He knows that fear of the truth holds us back in a corner crippling us until we have a moment of courage and realize the risk is worth it. 

His way is truth so we can bring life 

Don't worry about the what if's because if you wait long enough, one day you will look back and that what if will have turned into a should of, those are a lot harder to live with. 

Just speak out and let the peaces fall where they may 

honey won't you let me in

love this song!

Now the snow will fall and the lover's call

Will be drenched out by the shatterin' of birds

As the season shifts, lonely minds will drift

On the ocean in a build above its lore

As I knock your door from inside once more

How I wish a soothin' breeze would let me in

Shake my tambourine at your glowing dreams

So honey won't you let me in, oh

As we cease to know where our feet will go

We won't see the ribbons tied up in the pines

Branches will untie every mumblin' lie

Every frailed word in your lullaby is heard

Oh when I catch the force of our first divorce

How I wish the turning sunset could record

Blow my engine steam at your glowin' dreams

So honey won't you let me in, oh

Now the dust will rise, dress the open skies

Just a gallery of words we've used too much

It's a feathers weight but what if it's too late

To be building up our muscles in distract

Put me on the mornin' ship and I will take the trip

To return with all the treasures of our past

It will always seem like a glowin' dream

So honey won't you let me in

I said honey won't you let me in, oh

timing is everything...

timing is everything...

set sail

I want to fall in love 

set sail on an adventure where my heart is the compass 

leading me to discover a timeless romance 

you are you

One of my favorite things in the world is people watching, sitting and observing people from all walks of life makes me beyond happy. There are so many things to learn from people but if I am always talking I am never going to gain the knowledge I desire. Being tired also helps because I don't have the energy to make an effort so I can sit an absorb like a sponge.

I have watched and listened to old friends, new friends, and strangers on the train facing their life giants. Some have been consumed by circumstance and others have rose above the challenge to strengthen their character. When I see how inspiring people can be with the life they have it pushes me to strive for even more. Words are not enough to express my gratitude to my friends, family, and God for all that I have.

Today alone I have seen some of my favorite people on the planet, enjoyed my favorite treat halloumi cheese, and now I am relaxing in starbucks with a cup of tea. I spent a while reading some of my favorite blogs and there has been a common theme across them all. People are not content. There is a yearning for more, a need to compare to others to rate ourselves on a scale of success.

I am guilty of this myself, looking towards others to find my value and worth. I have a better job than this person, I don't dress as well as this person, I am more intelligent than this person, the list can go on and on. As I have explored this a bit over the past while I have discovered that this is incredibly common so common in fact it is a problem with every person on the planet. We all want to be accepted and seen as fantastic. We gain one thing and before we even celebrate our achievement we are already pursuing the next best thing.

While that is something that is in the DNA of humans I think we still have a choice to go against habitual patterns. It is definitely easier said than done but what about truth? If someone tells you that you have a blue top on and clearly your top is white you know 100% the truth from the lie. Yet when someone tells you you're amazing in your head you tell yourself your average. The truth is obvious, YOU ARE AMAZING! your amazingness isn't based on the fact that you smell better than the person next to you it is because you as an individual are flippin brilliant. If this still confuses you go back to the blue vs white top. The white top wasn't white just because you compared it to the blue, it was white al on its own merit.

There are 7 billion people on the planet and God still thought it was missing something so he created you! You are incredible, inspiring, unique, intelligent, creative, beautiful, the list goes on and on. It has nothing to do with things around you but simply the fact that you are you.

more and more

the more I get the more I want,

the more I want the less I am satisfied,

the less satisfied I become the more questions I have,

the more questions I have the more I realize there is much much more to discover.

...

These questions, whether they are simply answered or left as a mystery stir something inside of me. I desire to grow and become better than the day before. I try to put others first so I can learn new things, discover beauty in everything around me.

God has placed a dream in my heart that requires me to trust, to leap off the edge whole heartedly trusting that he will make a way. I may have moments of hesitation even thoughts of failure but ultimately my faith in Him is more. More than my fears, more than my disappointment, more than my expectations.

The need to follow His will has become the driving force propelling me forward. Giving up has come too close, its companion darkness, looming around waiting to overwhelm and overtake. When I call His name His light brings clarity, defeating the darkness revealing the truth.

The winding road of confusion is left behind, the path of peace is the one I choose. The truth of his word is a sweet nectar to my spirit, breathing life into my soul. He is there as a comforting friend and a mighty protector. With Him I have ALL I need, never am I in lack.

Our journey is never ending.
Daily I will pursue Him
Never letting go of the call.
The call to love.

...but when

6000

This blog started for my 4 best friends to be able to know the ramblings in my head and for me to vent even if no one listened. That has now grown and I have now had 6000 hits of strangers, friends, and family look into my brain and heart to see what really goes on. That number is still small but to me it got me thinking about the potential in the minut details.

Some posts are simple as a picture that inspired me and others are words tied together to scratch the surface of my thoughts. Whether simple or complicated it all out for you to see.

I have been thinking a lot lately about influence and inspiration I get from people. There have been people in life life that changed me for the better and no longer have a part in my life as time has passed where others have only just entered my world and have pushed to me to new heights. The thing is in life we all have moments where we can take hold of opportunities and inspire others even if it is in the smallest way. I am just a simple girl from Canada who is passionate about God and loving people yet I have been on a journey in life that is greater than anything I could have designed myself. Sharing my story and the journey I am on has become one of my most favorite pass times. The memories I have of being impacted by people in a massive way are great but it is in the small things that have made the greatest difference in me. The people that cared because they wanted to not because they had to are the ones that are still hold a place in my heart. When I read a piece of literature, get a smile from an old lady on the train, or encouraged by a friend I am lifted up. I get inspired in the small things people do and say and that is what I hope to achieve in my life.

I want people to know how amazing they are, how loved they are, how they can do anything they set their mind and heart to. This blog may be random thoughts but my prayer is that even in my ramblings and chaotic craziness, somewhere in the midst of it you see that we are all dreamers who can really achieve what is in our hearts.

The dream of the ideal job, the storybook romance, the perfect love, the adventures and everything in between can be truth. We all live a life that requires trust in God and the faith to put the dreams in action. So take the next step and inspire someone today. 

light at the end of the tunnel

No one dislikes good things happening, whether it 's a new pair of shoes or winning the lottery good things happen. The test is focusing on the good even when it is minuscule or non existent, it is so much easier said than done I know but it doesn't hurt to remind ourselves. When bad times happen and when good times happen they all come together to shape the person we are. Today I am taking hold of my happy moment and hanging on to it as long as I can.  Situations whether good or bad help us appreciate what we have in our lives. The ones we love, memories, dreams, hopes all intertwined together create a beautiful life. The light at the end of the tunnel may be only for a moment and push us to rise to the challenges of life or it may be there for a while to let us enjoy the joys of life. When we get to the end and step into the warmth of the light we can take a deep breathe, and bask in the solace. Life is a journey and we have the choice to make the most of it. Each new day gives us the opportunity to enjoy the good moments.

As a quirky man once said "tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow". 

Start Doing

There are 7 billion people on the planet.

Now I know that is common knowledge but I am infamous for over thinking so why not come along for the ride. 7 bilion people is a LOT of people, I mean that is 7 000 000 000 - that is 9 zeros.  Whats even more is if each day there are 24 hours, together that is 168 000 000 000 hours in a day for people on earth to do something significant. I have had my down in the dumps days where I feel small and insignificant but why dwell on that?

You, yes you were created for a purpose. Not just your better looking, smarter, more successful friend YOU. With so many people on the planet one of the first things our brain tells us to do is compare ourselves to others. We could look at the beautiful Mother Theresa who is known all over the world for her work in India, then there is Bono with his (red) campaign and the fight against aids, or we can look at people like donald trump or Oprah who are both incredibly influential and wealthy people. What I want to know is why?

If being significant is all about upstaging someone and being better I don't want any part. The thing is at some point in your life ( probably more than once) you are going to have to take a look back at what you have done. Being honest with yourself how many times have you evaluated your lofe and felt like it just wasn't enough? The job you thought was perfect fell through, the relationship you thought would last forever ended in heartache or you took a risk and it failed horribly. I can tick all those boxes and still have a smile on my face.

How do I that? well it sure isn't the easiest decision I have had to make. I still choose to do it though because I know that one day my dreams will come true. I am not talking about this airy fairy living on cloud 9 dream but I am talking about the things that get my heart pumping. When I talk about something and I can't help but get excited about or the ideas that I think are just a little crazy, one day those things may just change the world.

I am not saying I want recognition or to be famous and swimming in cash I want to do something that makes someone smile. My dream is for every woman, man and wee little child on the planet feel love. It is fluffy and far fetched but the reality is it is my dream. I am not going to be able to travel the world and tell 7 billion people that they are loved or that they matter but with the power of people it is possible. If you don't believe me and think that dreams have limits I would like to share a story.

Once upon a time there was a little boy by the name of timothy. Now Timothy was a very smart boy who spent much of his time studying and learning all he could about science. He grew up in london with his 3 siblings challenging himself and the science world. As Timothy grew into a young man so did his passion for science and technology. In March 1989 Mr. Tim Berners Lee put him name down in history for inventing one of the most used resource on the planet.  Tim invented the world wide web.

When Tim was growing up he maybe had dreams of being a scientist but you cannot tell me when he sat colouring at age 5 he knew that one day he would invent the internet. He had dreams but as he got bigger his dreams did too. He kept pushing the limits and though in his field he is recognized you don't necessarily hear his name in everyday conversation.

I say this because he is a legend! His life looks incredible but it didn't just happen he had to work hard and keep going even when everything around him said stop. If every person on the planet followed Mr. Berners Lee's example and every single hour of the 168 billion hours we are given was used to its full potential, just think about how amazing our world would be! Don't limit yourself because it seems crazy, just go for it. Take a risk and live a life that you want to live not a life you have to live. Find your dreams and then do something about it. Only you can be the best you, find your dreams and then give it all you got.

If all else fails try again

thanks

Beauty in the Broken

Beauty in the broken is often over looked.
Brokenness is seen as weakness,
not as a scar from getting up.
When heartache and hurt cut you down
courage will drive you to try yet again.


The joy that greets you is small and simple
but nothing can compare or replace it.  
Bruised and worn down the next step is the test, 
every motion forward puts defeat in the past.
The scar is still there but no longer causes pain, 
your past pushed you forward and triumph  is yours to gain.


The sun burns brighter, your smile greets the day. 
Beauty is all that's left now no sorrow, sadness or shame.
Let the world know your heart is still whole,
Embracing the moments that make you who you are.

congratulations you're disappointed

When you live your life focused on success there are so many ways that you can fail.

There is temporary fulfillment in success but more often than not disappointment becomes the only prize.

Life can feel like it is flying by and all we can do is hang on and hope we don't get to banged up. I can promise you I have had those days. There are other days though that seem to come a little less frequent but worth every bad day. These days can come along when you least expect it. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have done they come to put a smile on your face and let you know things are going to be ok. Even if right now they are crumpling in front of you eventually things will look up. Over the past few months I have been a bit of an idiot to be frank. I have had days that have knocked me off my feet and I got too tired to fight so disappointment and me became constant companions. I became obsessed with this ideology that things had to be a certain way or I had to be a certain version of myself. All that led to was frustration and confusion.

Yesterday a magical thing happened a simple phone call to make the light at the end of the tunnel a little closer. The person on the other end had no idea what the story was but they took the time to find out. In 15 minutes my disappointment seemed less of a burden and more of a distraction that I could just ignore. That may not make loads of sense but the thing is life is going to have moments where life is screaming at you to fail, a big banner in front of saying congratulations you're disappointed! That is completely fine because if I am naive enough to believe things are going to be perfect I am going to be in for heaps of trouble. I can turn the other way and put my eye on something better instead. Like the fact that it is sunny and 28* outside or on the fact that my mixed up strange family love me. I don't need to spend all my time creating a plan to be successful and making sure I have a bank account that can get me through anything. As nice as that is there are more important things and those are the things that will sustain this nomad. One moment doesn't make everything better it helps to have the good moments propel me forward.

just keep swimming

Some days are easier than others

yesterday was one of those brutal days that took way too long to be over. It dragged on and on not giving me much inspiration. Most days when I am happy or I have learned something new I will feel more up to blogging or talking to friends or just doing something more than sitting on my couch. Since that day wasn't yesterday I thought I would be real and give it a go on a day that the darker parts of me are out for the world to see. The thing is even though I know 100% that I am not alone in this world and there are so many people on the planet it doesn't change the heart wrenching feelings of isolation. I recently had a conversation with a friend and the both of us were surprised when we discovered that some of our biggest fears were mutual. We had both been under the impression that we were the only people struggling with it but in one single moment we felt a weight lifted knowing even if there was no one else we had each other to lean on. It didn't make the fear go away, it almost became a little scarier knowing someone was aware of my vulnerabilities.

Life is going to have days that weigh me down where the thoughts in my head drown out the ones in my heart. Some days when no matter how hard I try the struggle is to much. It is in those days that I see the worst parts of myself and after quite a few of those I have realized something amazing. If that is my worst point I am doing pretty good for myself. I could look at the crap and let that overwhelm me or I can look at the fact it hasn't completely knocked me down and use the last ounce of strength to take the next step.

My performance and striving for perfection is not necessarily going to be the best thing to focus on. Beating myself up for it is definitely not going to help the situation. I do know that even though it seems impossible a lot of the time I can look at the fact that tomorrow is a new day. I don't forget what happened the day before or ignore the facts but I can try to make the most of it.

So that is what I have decided to do, yesterday sucked and if I wanted I could let that roll over into today too. Or I can make the decision to use the small parts of me that want more than that to shine through. I am not going to be dancing around the office with a smile on my face but I am going to get a cup of tea and do what I can to make today the best I can. Today won't be perfect, it may not even be good it could balance out at OK but as a very wise fish once said "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" 

enjoy

The adventure of life is exquisite and meant to be enjoyed. 

every tear.

every smile.

every breathe.


every moment.

Discover Something New

Dreaming of travel and adventure is something I spend a lot of my time doing. I dream of discovering new places , tasting strange food, drinking tea in a adorable cafe, and sharing stories with other travelers.  

I have done all those things but I still want to do and see more! I have had a glimpse of the vast world we live in and I have seen its beauty intertwined in with its flaws . Together they reveal a beautiful world with so much to be unraveled. I have been back in my homeland for a few months and my nomad spirit inside is about to burst . There is a desire in me to one day have a home and family but why does that require one mold? Discovering the things that may have been hidden forever sparks something inside of me. I want to find remote villages and towns where I can gain wisdom from little old ladies who have known nothing but adventure. 

The thing is every person has their dream of a perfect life. For some it entales the urban jungle and climbing to the top of the corporate ladder. Others want to be safe in the comfort of a home and surviving on the nurture and care of the ones they love.    There are endless possibilities and ways that people find their own path.  There isn't one right way or one right way, and it most definitely isn't about success. Life is an adventure in itself and we should enjoy the ups and downs. It can seem impossible when things turn out for the worst but  there is beauty hidden in the brokenness. The scars you are left with show your strength and perseverance, the courage you had to push through. 

Your adventure is a grand  masterpiece for the world to see. You  may see far in the distance where you want to be and have no idea how to get there. 

Bliss is in the discovery of the unknown, take that first step and take each day as it comes. Find  enjoyment in the simplest of things create moments of enchantment with the ones you love. Take risks and make mistakes, try something new because you will never know what you are missing unless you do. 

Expect the unexpected

By now I have figured out that plans aren't always going to work out in my favor. No matter how hard I try or what I do there are going to be twists and turns in the road of life. Sometimes I am going to make a turn and things will seem like they are going great and I end up taking a long detour to where I wanted to be. Other times I will just flat out hit a dead end and have to go right back where I started.

Today was one of those days when it was smooth sailing, things were fantastic. For the first time in a while I had a smile on my face just because. I wasn't thinking about what could go wrong or the mistakes I made. I was looking at the up side, the parts of my life that being me happiness. Then out of nowhere, just when things seemed to be going well

*BAM*

Smack in the face an unexpected turn. It was disguised as disappointment dressed in fear. A situation that left me helpless, I couldn't go to the rescue and fix it I literally had to sit back and hope for the best.

In that moment I had a choice. I could have seen the situation as a dead end road or choose to make the most of it and not be defeated. I decided to make a change to my normal freak out and just breathe.

As people we have an inner desire for approval. It could be with family, friends, colleagues or a whole other area but the fact is we need it. We crave that feeling when we are recognized for being great. When we are faced with trials we try to figure a way out. Now many people can look inward and sort things out but a lot of people seek guidance from friends. This has been one of my greatest weaknesses. I have put other people so high on my influence list that sometimes I forget to stop and think about what is good for me. I say this because it has caused me heartache and a lot of frustration. I will go around in circles trying to figure things out and that is where the problem begins. I try I don't listen to what God is saying first i put my friends and families opinions first, my opinions second and if I am not completely messed up i go to where I should have went in the first place...to God.

I took time today to think about what is best for me and instead of running in circles I stopped for a second and had a chance to think and more importantly breathe. I went to the source and found exactly what I needed, I found peace. I don't know how things are going to turn out but I know that it isn't my responsibility to know. I made a decision to not let the twists and turns of life knock me off my feet but decided to learn and figure a way out.

When I take a wrong turn I have learned that it is ok, even if it seems right at the time I expect things to not always work out. I can expect the unexpected, it keeps life interesting and it keeps me trusting in the one thing that has truly never let me down {God}

No matter what and no matter when the unexpected happens I can let it destroy my spirit or let it push me to new discoveries and enjoy the life I was created for.

Sweet dreams

It amazes me when I think about how many hours of my day I spend sleeping. Sleep is something I literally could not live without. I do it everyday, it is part of my routine that i rarely stop to think about it's actual value. I mean I love my sleep but there is so much more to it. Getting into a comfy bed and closing my eyes a few hours pass I wake up and slowly climb out of my nest. Over and over I do the same thing but if it was that simple would it matter that much? Sleep recharges our body, it gives us energy and strength to live. While that is the most common reason for why sleep is good I suggest another as the most important reason. Sleep is where dreams come alive. When I go to sleep it is a place my mind takes over. The adventures I could only imagine (literally) come to life. I have always been a vivid dreamer and when I think back at some of the amazing dreams I have had it makes sleep that much better. There are no rules or restrictions in my mind only endless possibilities. When I go off into dream land it is almost as if my heart and head have a battle of wits. The desires of my heart compete with the logic in my head but instead of real life when logic has more influence, My heart takes my imagination on a wild ride. I could be a mermaid riding a unicorn with a pet phoenix or I could be more down to earth and dream of real life situations when I have the courage to say what I otherwise couldn't. The fact is in my dreams I can be anyone I want and can feel on top of the world. I can escape. When people tell me to follow my dreams I have never taken it as act out the dreams I have at night. I take it as A push to pursue the impossible. Strive for happiness because it is possible. Dreams aren't just something we create in our minds during REM sleep cycles when our brain is in a certain state. While scientifically that may be true emotionally people are way more intricate. Our feelings connect with our deepest secrets and in our sleep those secrets are revealed to give us hope and faith that anything is possible. I don't want to be a mermaid but in a way I want to be on the same level. I want to live a life that is so outrageous and out of the box that it is a life as unfathomable as someone being a mermaid. One of my old roommates used to tell me sweet dreams every night. I love that saying, it's the 'once upon a time' of dreams. The introduction to the extraordinary. When you wake up think about your dreams. Whether it was realistic or not use it as fuel for your imagination. Create your perfect dream and make it a reality. The only one who knows what is truly in your heart is you. The sweet dreams that are hidden away are meant to be discovered in real life. Life can be a fairy tale brought to life and enjoyed not just endured. So to my readers... Sweet dreams xx

Beauty

I have been reading a book, that in itself is a miracle, and it has blown me away with how it illustrates the beauty of a woman.

All women want to matter to someone, to feel important and loved. We are told that if your hair is just right or if you wear the latest trends you are accepted. The beauty on the inside takes second place and the longing to be beautiful revolves around the outward appearance. When in public the streets change from a means of transportation to a runway where your best efforts are put to the test. Many women use denial and say they truly believe what is on the inside is all they care about, to those women I ask them why is it when you go to a movie you find it necessary to put on make up, do your hair and find the perfect outfit? You will literally be sitting in a dark room for 2 hours and no one will see you. The fact is whether women want to admit it or not we care.

Caring about the outward appearance used to be a way women portrayed their confidence. Now when a woman looks perfect she is labeled as insecure and shallow and frowned upon by other people. We are told to focus on the inside and on the outside everyone is beautiful so it doesn't matter as much what you look like.

Seriously? Why is it wrong to just enjoy both? Some women use fashion to express themselves others get dolled up for pure enjoyment. When girls are little they get so excited when they get to dress up their dolls or try on mommies makeup. We like to feel feminine and show how we feel on the inside on the outside. I truly don't believe what is on the inside is all that matters. I don't mean that in a way that a woman's value is based on appearance but just because something matters it doesn't mean it is where value is rooted from. If the inside is all that counts was really true there would be no fashion industry no fad diets no 24hour gyms to get fit it would all be irrelevant. No matter if you are young or old how you value yourself is going to be affected by your outward appearance. But that is not the only thing looks are meant for. Looks and appearance are not just for status there is a balance.

There are so many women that consume themselves with appearance and that is when is crosses a boundary but women need to understand that there is nothing wrong with having your appearance as a focus.

I have been thinking back over the past few years and in my own life and in my friends lives. We have all had countless moments where we have emotional phone calls or emails with broken hearts striving for more. If only this was different or if that was better, we want to be satisfied but there is this voice pushing us forward saying there is always more. We try to take matters into our own hands changing things about ourselves or our situation to find a way to make things better. We want to live the best possible life we can but no matter how bad or good things are it is not enough. If we get bored we dye our hair or cut 18 inches off on a spontaneous trip to Switzerland (yes I unfortunately did this)

I could ramble for a long time but what I have realized is a woman's beauty is not just based on her appearance and her personality it is so much more than that. It has been broken down to two areas so girls can feel like they have accomplished at least one. Beauty is something that encompasses the entire essence of a woman, her gentle nurturing spirit. The way a woman comforts her friend through a rough patch in life when she herself is about to burst from heartache. There is beauty in the way a woman can be doing 10 things at once but still manage to remember the smallest details. There is beauty in the loudest booming laugh that may bring nothing but embarrassment, there is beauty in a woman when she can admit she is not ok and just needs to cry. These things are not typically used to describe beauty. When you ask someone to describe you things like loyal or kind are more common but I think it is time stereotypes and familiarity are broken. We need to change how we as women see ourselves. If you want to focus on feeling fantastic in everything you wear and your desire is to be size 0 go for it. Why is that anymore shallow than a woman who works on wall street wanting to make millions? In my opinion there is none. Women have different desires some are visible from the outside others not as much. We need to embrace the fact that beauty is more than a simple description of looks, it is a description of every single unique characteristic a woman portrays.

Embrace the things that make you you. Not to be all crazy feminist but to realize your version of beauty is going to be different than the next person. Your quirky habits as strange and bizarre they may seem they are beautiful in their own way.

I choose to embrace the fact that I am ridiculously organized and like to spend hours making spreadsheets. I embrace the fact that I like to clean when I am stressed and like to eat pancakes for dinner. I am me and no matter how big of a mess life can seem I am going to do what I can to enjoy it. It is in my DNA to strive for perfection, instead of beating myself up for it I am going to be the best me even on days when getting out of bed is an epic accomplishment. I will appreciate my worst and best traits and never stop pushing forward and never stop striving for the best.

Don't talk to strangers

When I was a kid I was taught don't don't talk to strangers, in fact I was told to avoid them. Times have changed, now most of the world revolves around starngers interacting. We actually want strangers to follow us! On twitter we get excited when some random like teenybopper_5 starts reading our clever thoughts. There are social networking sites like facebook for when you meet a person for 5 minutes and you are now "friends" or foursquare so people can legally stalk you. I work in business development and I spend hours upon hours a day finding information about potential contacts that my clients can do business with. They are all strangers but that doesn't matter. I have went from avoid strangers to talk to as many as possible.  


I thought about some of my closest friends and at one point they were all strangers to me. I knew absolutely nothing about them and they knew nothing about me but someone we connected. Now some of my friends know me better than I know myself. My perspective on whether strangers are bad or good has changed. As a kid if I didn't know you I politely smile but I will block you out like you were a 10 foot monster. Now in my wise old age I write my thought on the internet and openly let strangers in. Whether my mom reads this or some girl in Indonesia reads  my ramblings I am  not going to be affected any different. So what does that say about my view on strangers? Well in my opinion I love strangers! The fact that there are so many people out there that I don't know excites me. It means there is so much potential for more in the world. 


Recently one of my best friends started hanging out with this guy, they are still in the lovey dovey stages when    every time the phone vibrates she gets a smile and she gets butterflies or what I call the happy flu. Where things are perfect. I absolutely love that, it is what girls dream about when they are little about having someone think you are special and see the extraordinary person you are inside and out. When I see young love growing like that is makes me smile, neither of them were looking for affection out of desperation it came naturally (and unexpectedly). It is a love in its purest form, so selfless and beautiful. 


Unfortunately not all love is this way and some people battle with the desire to be loved and will do nearly anything to find it. The fact is people are people, some do more good than others and some do more bad but that doesn't affect whether I should love them or not. There is a MASSIVE difference between showing someone love and being in-love with them. With things like online dating and all this mushy gooshy hollywood crud love can be easily tainted. What I am saying is people want to be told they matter, people want to feel significant. So when people are shown the affection they crave they are going to be drawn towards it, sometimes no matter where it comes from. Living in a part of the world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, people have been disillusioned by broken homes and left with an unquenchable desire to be wanted. "Don't talk to strangers" goes out the window and people go searching for the love that was absent in a home where you thought it should be. "Stranger" becomes irrelevant and feelings jump into the driver seat. The source of the affection becomes less of an issue and the love, even in its cheapest form, becomes the motivation.    


The desire for love is an overwhelming feeling and the search for it can be beyond destructive. Time after time I have spoke with people who started with rock solid standards and morals then as disappointment creeped in. As the people that were supposed to be there for them failed those morals slowly disintegrated. Strangers because the first ones they would talk to the ones they desired to be around because they got the temporary satisfaction they craved. 


When I meet new people I challenge myself not to look at them for who people have said they are or even who the person says they are. I look into their eyes, not in a creepy I shall read into your soul way but, to see what is behind the words and outward facade. Underneath no one is perfect every stranger you meet, every person you get to know will have something in common with the other 7 billion people on the planet.


Every single person on the planet is amazing, intricate and beautiful. Each one desires to be loved.


People want to be cherished so here is a challenge to you don't talk to strangers, listen to strangers and above absolutely everything else love them.      

Reality

When you are a kid people ask you what do you want to be when you grow up?


When you are graduating high school they ask you what are you going to do with your life?


When you are an adult people ask what are you doing with you life?


When you are wise and have a crown of silver hair people ask you what did you do with your life?

...

As a kid you can answer with anything you want, you could dream of being a mermaid or a cowboy they just smile and say you can do whatever you want. As you get a little older people start asking but expect a answer that they can wrap their minds around. They ask what are you going to do and a lot of time expect a five year plan consisting of university and your ideal career path like a teacher or doctor. What is your realistic plan? The expectation of your dreams are now supposed to be based on realistic goals and are you going to be able to pay the bills. When you are an adult and you meet someone new one of the first questions you get asked is "what do you do?". They don't want you to tell them what you do on weekends for fun they want to know what job is, part to learn more about you but also to reveal more about your status in society. Are you a corporate executive, do you work at wal-mart, or are you searching to find yourself (otherwise known as unemployed). When you are older people always want to find out about the adventures you lived,where did you go, what did you do, not what your job was they want to know what did you accomplish.


When you are a child you don't see limitations on what you can do. Life is this exciting thing where you can try new things, be anything you want and nothing stops you. When you get older your perspective changes, other factors come into play. Your focus is no longer solely on pleasure and excitement it becomes tainted with "is this realistic?".


Life becomes this cycle of work, home, family, sleep. Things may pop in every now and again to mix it up but broken down life has only a few small areas of focus. For some people the dreams in your heart my be part of your career or just life in general but sadly for the most part people's dreams are put on the side due to REALITY. 


I have put a lot of thought into reality. the meaning of it and the impact it has on individual lives.Something about it just bugs me, who was the person the created the term reality? A term that in itself restricts the human desires and passions with 4 syllables. I understand that some things take more time and work than others, that is reality but at the same time who creates the boundary for where reality becomes unrealistic? If you spoke to someone 50 years ago and talked to them about the technology that's around today they would think you are crazy. What about the advances in medicine or peoples rights? There have been so many things that have changed that they would have been defined as "unrealistic". Still someone had the courage to go against the grain and try it anyway. 


I have been told countless times in my life do whats in my heart and do what makes me happy. The challenge now is, am I willing to change my perspective on what people expect and follow that advice regardless of the outcome. Can I really wrap my head around the fact that I could lose some of the people closest to me?Am I willing to sacrifice everything? If I let reality be my main concern I have to say good bye to those dreams and passions inside. Why would I want that at all? 


The fear of being different and stepping outside the box becomes so great that the consequences of going after what you want becomes crippling. Is that really worth it? If the rules of reality become the focus because of fear then the world would be in danger of becoming uniform.  


Reality becomes the killer of dreams.        


I decided to take the word reality and look at it the way I see it. I changed my focus from the reality of the world to the perspective of how God sees it. My reality is not determined by my current circumstance but by my choices and God's outcome. I want my eye to be on positive thinking, to be about whether it is going to matter in the end. So when I am old and grey and someone asks me to tell them about my life I don't tell them about my 9-5 office job or how much debt I was in or the crappy car I had. When they ask me about my life I want to tell them about the people I loved, the dreams I thought were ridiculous and people told me were too far fetched were only the beginning. I am so tired of talking to people who have dreams but put them on the side because reality told them they couldn't do it. IT breaks my heart to think of how many people gave up on what they really wanted or believed in. I don't want to be someone who falls into the category of putting my dreams so far on the back burner I forget what they are. 


My reality says I have a choice to go above and beyond, dreams and passions are not feelings but ideas to be put into action.  My perspective is not going to fall into line with reality but be altered to see the endless possibilities my life can have when my heart's desires are in the driver's seat.

My focus is not on the success but on significance 

up again

When something rough happens life has told us that it can only get better. 

Now something good has to happen to balance it out. 

Unfortunately that isn't a true fact. Good things happen and bad things happen, there isn't a formula to calculate when they are going to happen. You can't even have a perfect way to deal with it when the bad stuff comes. There are clichés that tell you hard times will build you character and as frustrating as that is, it's true. 

When good things happen how do you know it's good? it may help you progress in life or it makes you feel good but how do you even know that? You have to compare it to something bad to notice a difference. The reality is good things happen but you wouldn't notice how much of a blessing they are unless you have faced a challenge. 

When something bad happens you recognize it because there is an absence of good.

It can be so frustrating when there is something I strive for and I fall short or circumstances don't seem to go in my favour. Does it make it easier knowing that I have hope in something better? honestly sometimes it can be too hard to see the up side. There are times when I have to will myself to get back up again, it won't come naturally but I can choose to persevere. 

A great book called the bible says 

endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope 

by making a choice to keep pushing forward I am not making everything better but I am taking one step closer to it. 

Then when the good stuff happens I know that I didn't get so overwhelmed by the bad that I couldn't enjoy the good times.  

what highway?

someone asked me why is your blog called the end of the highway the other day, i say that is a valid question that I shall answer publicly. 


I could make up some inspirational story about how life is a journey and you need to enjoy every moment because one day it will all end. now while that is all good and true the truth is a little less exciting.


basically I was at my friend Nicky's place and we were sitting around a fire making hot dogs (so disgusting) we were talking about how we were going to stay in contact after high school and decided we would start blog's. so brillaint. we started thinking about names and tried our hardest to be creative. then Nicky told me about this guy she worked with who thought he was ridiculously funny and how he tried to tell her a joke but forgot the punchline. later that day he remembered and told her it was the end of the highway. the joke still wasn't funny but for some reason we all found it hysterical and thus my blog was born.


  

the pit of despair

life has moments that suck...like seriously royally suck where I feel like digging a hole and giving up. 


sometimes it can be so rough it feels hopeless like nothing I do or say will be able to make it better, my circumstances are what they are and regardless of my efforts there is no way out. 

...

I realized something today.

that is SO stupid. 

genuinely if I really think life is hopeless I need to take a step back and get a grip. feeling hopeless is the most crippling feeling but there is a way out.

hope is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best

No one can force you to believe something, you have to make the choice whether you believe it or not. now the only way I am able to recognize hopelessness in the first place is because of the fact that I recognize a lack of hope. meaning at one point I did have hope and if hope is a feeling it cannot just disappear and be completely non existent. just like when you are sad it doesn't mean you will never be happy again 

In the princess bride (one of my all time FAVORITE movies) there is a scene in the pit of despair (it is basically a torture chamber)inigo montoya and fezzik find wesley dead. Now first off the albino that looked after the pit said no one knew how to get in but in a miraculous way they still got it. better yet when they found wesley "dead" in the pit it turns out he was only mostly dead and they were able to revive him with the help of miracle max. yes i understand that is a completely ridiculous and unrealistic possibility from a movie made in the 80's but my point is even in the midst of death they had hope. 

The pit of despair looked like the end but it wasn't. when i get knocked down because of life circumstances I don have to stop and give up I can get back up. I may be bruised and a little sore but regardless I can cling to the fact that I do have hope. whether my hope is running on low or through the roof... 

I will never have no hope.