Sometimes taking a step away from routine can really help get perspective on what is really going on in my life. I know where I want to go and have a vague idea of how to get there but to go on a journey you need more than just a plane ticket and a smile. There are lots of little things that need to come together {emphasis on little things}. The thing is I have been given everything I need to go but the little things that really shouldn't matter that much have a death grip on my hope.
The past week I have taken a few deep breathes and tried to just chill the frig out. Honestly it has really helped. Letting myself go to a place where I just don't really care. Not because I don't actually care but because I don't need to. I am not saying I don't give a crap about what happens but I get so consumed with caring that every molecule needs to be in line for me to be ok. I am learning to let go of the controls. I my heart I know the best option is to lift my hands in surrender at the first sign of a struggle, giving it to God right away...I am still working on that.
I know what I am supposed to do next.
It involves making a change that is good but definitely not easy. It will take a lot of faith and require sacrifice and most of all trust. What I expected to be a new fun adventure is starting to reveal itself as an intimidating journey that is starting to scare the crap out of me.
Revealing these feelings on a website for strangers is always a fun way to get stuff off my chest but I know that soon I am going to have to start opening up to my friends, family and loved ones. That is the scariest part. Knowing that I am already scared for what is next, stepping way out of my comfort zone. Being transparent with those I care about the most with the possibility of rejection is crippling. I know I have to move forward regardless of what people are thinking or going to say but it doesn't mean it makes it easier when people you want to be there for you don't back you up.
All I can do is listen to the God who loves me and wants the best for me and trust that no matter what I can do it. Even when it doesn't make sense and people don't understand he has got me in his arms.
No more sad, depressed, confused Letitia. I am jumping out of the boat and going. It isn't about me being ready because I will never get there if I want to be a perfect 100%. The truth is life is good and circumstances are not going to define me anymore. I am made for a purpose and my purpose is to go to the nations and share the miraculous, relentless, incomparable love of God. It's time to kick some ass for Jesus.
The past week I have taken a few deep breathes and tried to just chill the frig out. Honestly it has really helped. Letting myself go to a place where I just don't really care. Not because I don't actually care but because I don't need to. I am not saying I don't give a crap about what happens but I get so consumed with caring that every molecule needs to be in line for me to be ok. I am learning to let go of the controls. I my heart I know the best option is to lift my hands in surrender at the first sign of a struggle, giving it to God right away...I am still working on that.
I know what I am supposed to do next.
It involves making a change that is good but definitely not easy. It will take a lot of faith and require sacrifice and most of all trust. What I expected to be a new fun adventure is starting to reveal itself as an intimidating journey that is starting to scare the crap out of me.
Revealing these feelings on a website for strangers is always a fun way to get stuff off my chest but I know that soon I am going to have to start opening up to my friends, family and loved ones. That is the scariest part. Knowing that I am already scared for what is next, stepping way out of my comfort zone. Being transparent with those I care about the most with the possibility of rejection is crippling. I know I have to move forward regardless of what people are thinking or going to say but it doesn't mean it makes it easier when people you want to be there for you don't back you up.
All I can do is listen to the God who loves me and wants the best for me and trust that no matter what I can do it. Even when it doesn't make sense and people don't understand he has got me in his arms.
No more sad, depressed, confused Letitia. I am jumping out of the boat and going. It isn't about me being ready because I will never get there if I want to be a perfect 100%. The truth is life is good and circumstances are not going to define me anymore. I am made for a purpose and my purpose is to go to the nations and share the miraculous, relentless, incomparable love of God. It's time to kick some ass for Jesus.
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