the mystery of life

Why is the unknown so intimidating? Making a decision can be crippling when you take a split second to think of the consequences. The idea of settling and not taking a step out into the chaos of life seems so appealing at the moment. Not worrying about failure or pain just mundane contentment.

I see people out the living their dreams, having at least a brief idea of what direction they are heading. Every journey is different because every person is different but we all have many common threads. We all want to be loved, we want to be happy, we want to be significant and life a life that means something. The hard part is figuring out what will bring that fulfillment.

I have figured out the main component of life, following and trusting God...no matter what. At the moment no matter what seems to be a lot tougher than other times. I have absolutely no direction or motivation at the moment, I have not yet hit apathetic but that is close around the corner. The fear of reaching the point of apathy is the only small force pushing me forward. With apathy becomes self loathing, depression, and narcissism.

Being full of life and joy is a feeling I miss, glimpses of happiness come and go but once you have experienced the high of life nothing else cuts it except the full experience. My comrades in life have asked me what do you want? what will make you happy? it crushed me to think I don't even know what that is. Life has been broken down into a uneventful routine. Sunday Church - Monday Work and Gym - Tuesday Work - Wednesday Work and Church - Thursday Work and Gym - Friday Work - Saturday Gym and Cleaning day. Every week for the past six months that has been my entire life.

While I may seem like I am just complaining, that is only the majority of this rant the other part is a question to myself. What the heck are you doing with your life chick?! I know that no one can change me but me, that is obvious. My question is what do I want to change it to, what do I want? What is going to get me out of this numb haze. I need to get out of this ugly space, I just don't know how. 

count your blessings

When I sit in bed late at night and have time to be alone with my thoughts it is amazing where I travel.

I ponder my day and how things turned out, the way they could have went differently, or how perfectly things fell into place.

Today I sat reminiscing the past few months, the change and chaos of my life has been utterly immense. So much has happened yet I still fill my time anticipating the next moment that will soon become another memory. Rushing forward forgetting to acknowledge the past and present. All three equally important to the masterpiece that is life.

Count your blessings

Have you heard that on before? I have heard it all my life, its meaning has not been one that has had much weight until more recently. It is not about taking a moment to sit and compare my life to others but reflect on the goodness that is in life itself. The goodness that God has showered me with, the unending love he has freely given.

While 2012 has been a challenging year, pushing me and testing me on a diverse spectrum of areas I am more than grateful. This year has been absolutely wonderful, overflowing with moments of pure joy and absolute bliss! The blessings I have been given are unfathomable, if I tried to count it would be impossible to do. Even right now as I sit all alone I know I have a roof over my head, people that love me and a God who is the biggest gentle giant in the universe and cares for me. That alone is worth living for and surely more than enough to put a smile on my face.